The real reason
by mascara freak
Summary: PG13 to be safe cause with our minds you never no. Story completely rewritten version of the council of elrond, it includes Pepsi max and will also include burning at stakes, please reveiw, it's fun, set your mind free, go on we dare you
1. The beginning

Disclaimer: we don't own Lord of the Rings or any of the characters and the actors who play them, though we are working on a plan to somehow come across owning Orlando Bloom, and we also don't own Pepsi max, the company who make it do, and if we did I, Mascara Freak would be walking around with a lifetime supply of it hooked into my veins.  
  
Author's note: Mascara Freak- This fanfic is a joint effort, it is written by moi and Rumplestiltiskin, who is another new author, please be kind, we're under educated idiots. Rumplestiltskin- Written mostly by Mascara Freak 'cos she rocks at writing. I only added little bit here and there.  
  
Chapter 1: The real reason for the Council of Elrond  
  
" You all know why you have been summoned to this council" Elrond paused to look at his company. It consisted of elves, dwarves, men, an old grey bearded wizard and a short thing with hairy feet. He continued "Long ago did the authors of this story realise our taste for that fizzy, sweet oh so addictive drink" All eyes glazed over and drooling was not only see able but hear able. Elrond shook his head to clear his thoughts and again carried on "That they now have also realised that whilst that drink was in our systems we were hyper and uncontrollable" All heads hang in shame. "Therefore Middle Earth has been banned from having the presence of that sweet, sweet drink" This caused angry mutterings between the parties, Elrond allowed this to carry on for a bit. "But one bottle still remains!!!" All eyes turned to the 2-litre bottle of Pepsi max that stood on the stone table in the middle of the circle of chairs. "And now my friends, we must reach our decision, which race will be gifted with the last bottle of Pepsi max?" One of the dwarves, a short hairy man with fiery red hair and a long bushy beard stood up and walked over to the bottle. He turned and had just opened his mouth to address the council when a small figure with large hairy feet cloaked in black from head to toe flew across the council and grabbed the bottle. He landed on the other side of a river and it became clear that he could not really fly but was merely swinging from a rope. As he landed two others joined him and they all did what appeared to be a celebratory dance.  
  
"You fool of a dwarf!" screamed a usually calm elf named Legolas. "You let them get away with the sacred drink right under your nose!" " Don't just stand there fools, chase them, get it back!" yelled the wizard Gandalf who was beginning to get irritable and smelly in his old age. The company charged for the door of the council platform and promptly all got squashed into the opening, which was quite narrow. It took them about 10 minutes to get themselves sorted out, by which time you would think the robbers would have got clean away... but no. The three amigos had got no further than the gates of Rivendell before arguing on which way to go. In the end they settled on a game of rock, paper, scissors and had only just stated down the road when the council got to the gates. " There they are!" The council cried as one, " Get them!" and so started a mad chase across all of Middle Earth that was to take them all into places they'd only dreamed of.  
  
Well it's only short, think of it as a taster. Please review, if you want more and review then we will be very quick at updating. 


	2. How not to get away with a robbery

Disclaimer: we don't own them, it, whatever, it's not ours, we do not own Lord of the Rings or Pepsi max, we can only dream of it.  
  
Authors note: Mascara Freak- Here it is chapter numero dos, you know it's very hard writing a story with someone else, it takes a long time, especially when you only communicate through MSN and email, but reviewing makes it so much easier (hint, hint!) Rumplestiltskin- She took the words right out of my mouth : o )  
  
Chapter 2: How not to get away with a robbery.  
  
The council was growing very tired, they had been chasing the three-cloaked midgets for ten minutes and they had made no sign of slowing down. Lord Elrond, who was leading the party had expected the three hairy footed things to slow down after he'd been glaring at them for fifty-five seconds, that's the longest anyone had taken to break down under his glare, but he was now coming to realise that a glare, no matter how pissed off, just didn't work on someone's back. The elves were leading the party of runners, Elrond at the very front, the men were coming in a close second, the dwarves were lagging behind slightly, but it was the grey bearded wizard, Gandalf who was bringing up the rear, panting heavily.  
  
"Woo, ooh, I can't remember the last time I could feel the muscles in my legs working" he muttered to himself.  
  
The hairy-footed thing by the name of Frodo, who was really a hobbit, seemed to be finding the whole affair rather enjoyable. He was running about everywhere, talking to everyone. The elves would reply to him rather politely, but seemed to be concentrating on their running more than a conversation about his gardener's wide collection of woolly hats. The men he spoke to would simply look at him like he was a pet dog that no body wanted (no offence to dogs, I love dogs) and the dwarves could only grunt or snort. He didn't slow down enough to talk to Gandalf, he would simply shout back encouragement to him now and again.  
  
"Come on Gandalf, think of your thighs after all this exercise"  
  
"My thighs, he should worry bout his arse, I cant even see who were chasing because of that thing" Gandalf muttered to himself.  
  
Frodo decided to catch up with Elrond to try and start a conversation.  
  
"Ooh, this fun, I must say, I never knew my gardener and cousins could run that fast" he commented.  
  
Elrond kept running in his surprise. "You mean there your cousins and gardener, why didn't you say so" Elrond asked, outraged.  
  
"I thought we were all playing a game of tag" Frodo replied.  
  
The next few things happened rather quickly. The three thieves, who have now been identified as Sam, Pippin and Merry heard a raised voice addressed to them.  
  
"Samwise Gamgee, Peregrin Took and Meriadoc Brandybuck"  
  
They turned around in surprise, they were quite far in front but they could still make out the doubled up Wizard, panting, gasping for breath, and several unconscious dwarves. The men and elves were in a large circle blocking off what they were looking at. Elrond, the one who spoke continued.  
  
"If you are wise, wait no, let me put that a different way that makes sense, umm, hold on, nearly got it, oh what the heck, if you value your friends life then you return the Pepsi max by sunset" He finally managed to shout.  
  
"And, and, what if we don't, what are you gonna do?" Pippin stuttered, trying to sound tough.  
  
"Yeah" Merry said backing him up, "what you gonna do, burn him alive?"  
  
"Exactly, mwuhahahaha!" Elrond cackled evilly.  
  
The men and elves parted to reveal a hastily built stake with a terrified Frodo attached.  
  
"We do that kinda thing now, hehehehe, good old fashioned torture!" Elrond laughed manically.  
  
"Uh guys, I think were in trouble," said a pale Sam. Pippin looked as if he was about to burst into tears. He sat on the ground and every few seconds whimpered in a most pathetic way. It was incredibly off-putting for poor Merry who was thinking about what to do next. Suddenly he let out a cry.  
  
"Aha!" Men, elves and dwarves all turned to look at him with mild surprise but then carried on piling dry tinder up infront of and around Frodo. Merry sat down next to Sam and Pippin and they all put their heads together.  
  
" Now listen to me, I have a plan." whispered Merry, for the men were starting to get suspicious. " What we do is." and he explained his plan in detail to the others, at a very high speed so they only got half of what he was saying. What ensued was the result of Pippin and Sam only hearing half the plan.  
  
Sam walked over casually to the men, trying to look cool but inside he was petrified that they would grab him and tie him to a stake as well. Whilst the men were busy looking at Sam, Merry and Pippin crawled commando-style into the woods on either side of the road. There they split and Merry crept towards Frodo whilst Pippin climbed a tree. He was not meant to be climbing the tree but he thought he had seen a bird's nest up there and wanted to see if there were any eggs. Sam had nearly reached the men and was still clutching the bottle of Pepsi. He wasn't sure what to do next; Merry had said something about when he'd reached the men he was to stop and wait for the signal. Unfortunately he had tuned out at that point and did not find out what the signal was. He looked over at Merry who was still stealthily crawling towards Frodo.  
  
"Hey Merry, what's the signal?" he called. The men looked at Merry and immediately figured out what was happening. Two of them ran forwards to Sam who screamed and fled in the opposite direction. More men and elves followed. The dwarves, who were rather slow to catch on, finally realised that the Pepsi was getting away and raced away from where they had been guarding Frodo. Elrond put his head in his hands.  
  
" NO, NO, NO!" he yelled at the backs of the fleeing men, elves, dwarves and hobbit. They all stopped and turned.  
  
" Why do you think we tied Frodo to a stake? For the fun of it? No, it was to stop the whole running off with the Pepsi thing that the hobbits were doing. But now look; Frodo is unguarded and, unless I'm very much mistaken, Merry is freeing him now." He turned and saw, just as he had predicted, Merry freeing Frodo. The two hobbits smiled and waved before making off into the woods.  
  
" This means that now we have no hostage they can run off with the Pepsi again." The men, elves and dwarves stood for a minute thinking this through and then it hit them.  
  
" Get the hostage!" They cried and ran as fast as they could back towards Elrond and the stake, leaving Sam standing in a clearing with no one pursuing him and the bottle of Pepsi in his arms. He grinned and waited for the others to catch up.  
  
" NO, NO, NO!" cried Elrond for the second time in the space of five minutes. " It's no good you being back here now is it? Sam is over there with the Pepsi, grinning like a Cheshire cat and look there are Merry and Frodo now." Sure enough Merry and Frodo emerged from the woods, smiled and waved at the incredibly confused party standing before Elrond before setting off again. A few seconds later a very happy Pippin, clutching three eggs in his hands, came out of the woods onto the road. He took one look at his friends' backs and ran as fast as his little legs could carry him after them. The men looked rather foolish. The elves looked like they couldn't care less. The dwarves looked deep in thought as they tried to figure out what had just happened. Gandalf was asleep. Elrond sat on the floor and sobbed.  
  
" What have I done to deserve this?" he yelled at no one in particular. " One bottle of Pepsi max left and those hobbits have it! How did this happen?" he put his hands over his ears and stamped his feet as one of the smarter dwarves decided to explain exactly how the four little hobbits had made fools out of the cleverest beings in Middle Earth.  
  
There it is, chapter 2, hope you like it. Please, pretty please review and make our day, in the next chapter we will do that thang where we thank reviewer individually, but I have a cold and cant get on the net to read the reviews and I will need to talk to Rumplestiltskin about it after we sort out our plans for world domination, if you want us to share your life then stop reading this and click that little review button, please, please, please it makes us both so happy. 


	3. Dwarves are idiots, well maybe not

Disclaimer: We still don't own it, you'd think after two chapters and now starting on the third that we'd finally own even 0.2% of it but noooooooooooo, still 0%, nada, nothing, we will never own Lord of the Rings or Pepsi max, well at least until we take over the world.  
  
Author's note: Mascara Freak- haha, this chapter will probably go wrong cos Miss Rumplestiltskin decided to finish chapter two how it was ended and now I have to carry it on, I have an idea but my idea of funny is completely different from everyone else's idea of funny. Reviews would help ya no!!! Now she has also left it up to me to finish this chapter on my own! She will be working on the next chapter though. Rumplestiltskin-  
  
Thank you to reviewers from chapters one and two  
  
Chapter one review thanks:  
  
moon-dragon2: Thank you!!! We're glad you like it(, we may have to use that rhyme thing if you're let us, please, and we can share Orlando.  
  
weirdyK-Mamie rocks: Glad you like it (.  
  
Chapter two review thanks:  
  
Elven Kitten: Thanks for reviewing both chapters, it's meant to be weird. But now because of you the bottle of Pepsi max is now bullet and arrow proof. All praise the Pepsi!!!! Update your stories soon (  
  
HonestlyRachael: We are updating, look at us update. Thank for reviewing, my, me mascara freak, yes mascara freak, my other story the morning after has had a new chapter added, if you review I'll keep checkin out your cool story! (  
  
Now on with the story!!!  
  
Chapter 3: Dwarves are idiots  
  
Elrond stopped stamping his feet to listen to the dwarf's tale. The whole area grew quiet as the dwarf cleared his throat. "Hobbits have been around long before any other creatures of this world." Elrond interrupted him.  
  
"That's not true we all no that elves were around long before hobbits and dwarves"  
  
"Can I finish?" the dwarf asked annoyed. "Anyway, elves are actually a dumber kind of a hobbit who rely on their looks to get them anywhere in this world." He paused, "I'm done here" he said.  
  
Elrond was pissed off, we acted on instinct and kicked the dwarf (really hard) all the way from where they were to Bree, where he fell through the roof of the Prancing Pony and landed on a stool by the bar. (We can do that, we're the authors). The dwarf looked around, puzzled. "Your order?" a voice asked.  
  
"Two malt beers and a packet of nuts" he replied. We will just say that this rather dumb dwarf married a waitress and they had many fat, hairy children and lived happily ever after, just to get this guy out of the story.  
  
BACK TO ELROND  
  
The other men, dwarves and elves had run back to Elrond and were waiting for his demand. "We will not be able to take a hostage, they will expect that. We have three choices left, bribery or blackmail.  
  
"But that's only two" Legolas pointed out.  
  
"Shut up" said Elrond "We need an idea" He kicked Gandalf to wake him up.  
  
"Huh" Gandalf looked around blearily.  
  
"Gandalf you have known Hobbits for many an age, we must know their weakness"  
  
"Well," Gandalf began, "These four in particular are rather fond of food, like many other hobbits, but these four seem to never be able to get a gal, though I caught that Sam stealing Frodo's toenail clipping once, he doesn't seem that interested in girls".  
  
"That's it" Elrond cried.  
  
"What genius plan have you thought of now?" asked Aragorn sarcastically.  
  
"Yea, cos the whole tying the hobbit to a stake didn't exactly work out" Legolas pointed out.  
  
"This one will work for sure, in exchange for the bottle we shall give them a fully prepared 8 course meal including mushroom soup and mushroom omelettes, served by the finest females the races of men and elves can give" Elrond explained triumphantly.  
  
"What about the finest females dwarves have to give?" Asked an annoyed Gimli.  
  
"Don't be silly Gimli, we don't want to put them off their meal do we" Elrond said trying not to laugh.  
  
"But how do we get the females?" Legolas asked.  
  
"Well you and Aragorn seem to attract a large amount of fan girls, just look hunky and tell them what the cause is for. Now go round them up" Elrond told them  
  
Legolas and Aragorn shrugged, they couldn't deny it. They walked off to begin their search.  
  
"What will the rest of us be doing?" Boromir asked, unhappy about not being the one with the large amount of fan girls.  
  
"The rest of the men, elves and dwarves must get the meal ready, I've drawn up a list of what I want" Elrond said pulling out a long role of parchment. He handed it to Boromir. He then turned to Gandalf.  
  
"You and me will go and inform the hobbits of our offer" He informed Gandalf.  
  
"Can we have a sing-a-long as we go?" The wizard asked.  
  
Elrond thought this over. "Yes, yes we can".  
  
So they skipped off singing a song in Elvish which went along the lines of the good old days when pipe weed was free and Elvish wives did not run off with the plumber from Mordor.  
  
A short chapter we know, but our ideas are running low and we could really use some help HINT HINT, we'll try to make the next one longer, funnier and actually worth reading if people REVIEWED PLEASE PLEASE PRETTY PLEASE!!!!!!! 


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